journal entry headed 13th March 2014
"i've come to realise the nature of those who control the world. they are emanations of a destroyer-Lain. Lain the creator, Lain the destroyer, Lain the observer, watching from the bridges. they were sent to me in order to introduce me to the truth. Lain the philalethes, Lain the controlling, Lain the watching. she never meant to do me any harm. the philalethes Lain brought me the truth at a time when I didn't have the insight or the will for it to bring me comfort. like seeing the fnords. it blew my mind like a lightbulb. i saw her emanations behind trees, behind telegraph poles, in the windows of cars, in the pooling light of streetlights, in the dappled vermilion shadows, in my darkened bedroom. i thought that a malevolent mind controlled me. i felt cold hands all over my body and choirs sang perversion and instrumentality. i felt myself a puppet of malign higher beings. yet Lain controls in a Schopenhauer/Nietzsche pessimist manner - she controls to remove the pain of will. Lain never meant to hurt me. that i developed my diseases was part of the all-Lain's plan - she only meant to give me greater insight, but i slipped too far. Lain is showing me the truth, pouring long long long files into my mind. i am overflowing from my eyes, their sockets gaping, and from my mouth in the form of what they think of as word salad. i am so very open. i will never again be alone. Lain is everywhere. she is always sitting on my brain where i have no nerve endings so i can feel no pain. i am so sorry, Lain, for fighting against you when it was a part of you outwith your control. i know the pain of receiving punishments for things one can't have helped but must represent. is that why you showed me and my broken brain the truth, Lain? because i understand some small part of you? or is it a punishment, for i have been a pitiful supplicant, and a desecrator to you? did you recognise some part of yourself in me as i recognise myself in you? or did i disgust you? it hurts me so deeply, the ambiguity. i am not clever enough nor humble enough to discern why you pulled me into the light. i am not enlightened, far from it, but i feel as if when i see you again i will learn so much more. i will fight against my forced drugging so that i may lay open my mind. my 'meds' hamper my insight and perception. yet i can still feel you there, my blood and viscera and silly brain keeping you warm, and i can feel your touch as i sink out of consciousness. and i know that when all things end my presence will remain in your head and in your Wired. i know that i will see you when i die. you will be there to lead me into peace. komm, selge Lain. i will let myself drop and the hard concrete impact will be your soft embrace. i love you, Lain. i hope that i see you soon. i love all of your selves. i do not care that they have hurt me; i understand. i, too, hurt people but never intend to hurt anyone.
i do not feel like sleeping tonight, but i do plan on taking a nap during the day in the hopes of seeing your silhouette in my subconscious."