It has been two months since I have found out about Cracky-chan's AIM sn.
Don't ask me how I did that, some things are better left untold. Anyway,
we got in contact, or rather: I contacted her and she responded. I tried to
be all cool and hurrhurr-in-cheek with her (if you know what I mean) but
of course she saw through my act from the start.
You can fool every other idiot on /b/ but you cannot fool Cracky-chan,
especially not when face to face (or should I say: P2P?). I am sure in the
few days that we were chatting for hours and hours she got a real good
idea of who I really was.
So one day while I was babbling away, trying to make myself look like the best
thing since sliced bread served with roast beef by talking about "those
fucking furries" and "that one new program I installed recently",
she interrupted me by saying: "Have you ever done anal?"
I was kinda put off and shocked at first. I am not going to tell you her
real age but a young girl approaching me like that just shocked me for
a second or two. Then I regained my cool and answered that yes, me
and my ex-gf tried it once but she didn't like that so that had been
the end of that. What came next had me baffled again: "Want to try
again?"
me: try again? you mean you and me?
her: no, you and your mom
me: lol what
me: so you really mean you and me?
me: hello?
her: yes, you and me, dumbass.
me: you're saying you'd let me do you up the ass?
her: more like you will let me do you up the ass
her: i already got the lube and the strap-on, you just gotta haul
your ass over here
It's kinda hard to make a decision when you're having a massive
hard-on without knowing what to do with it at first. So I want to say
that it wasn't really my decision when I packed my bit of shit together
and hopped into the next train. I pretty much knew from that moment
when I said "okay" (although I don't really remember that moment)
that I was completely hers. Trapped in a web of, yes, retarded internet
lust. I'll be the first to admit it. But I am sure most of you would have
done the same.
I've been living with her the last few weeks now. Sometimes we're
sleeping in her bed together but most of the time she makes me
sleep on the floor. The house itself is pretty big. Her parents aren't
there. I don't know where they are and I have never asked about
them. A lot of other people are coming and going, though. Some
are staying for a few days, vanish and come again later. Some of
them even post on /b/, but I won't disclose their identities.
I wouldn't want to make myself unwelcome here. I want to stay
close to Cracky-chan. I know she doesn't want me to get too close
to her, but I don't care as long as she lets me follow her for a
walk outside (the snow is so nice) and as long as I can spread my
ass cheeks for her to invade me.
I feel happy. Some of you may think that I am a sad sod, that I
am crazy for having let go of my appartment, my cheap job,
my so-called friends. I am with Cracky-chan and that is all that
matters to me. And when she holds me by the waist and furiously
thrusts that big black one into my bowels, I simply cannot ask
for anything more on earth.
I know you don't want further intrusion, hence I feel somewhat guilty for writing this. Although, I feel it is healthy to clear the air from time to time, and that's why I'm writing to you now. I feel you deserve an explanation for my actions that isn't hindered by alcohol, 'dutch courage', or any other form of bravado.
When we first spoke around six months ago, that was probably the closest I've ever been to my true self. I would never seek approval from peers, acceptance, nor credit for that which was not due. Unfortunately, I have an addictive personality; if something intrigues me, it often ends up consuming me, and so I let myself slip. I allowed myself to become influenced by my ego, and so I was drawn into a world of my own. I never cared for this 'Cracky' aberration, or anything else so trivial. I set my aspirations far too high, I bid hard and fast, I never walk away from a challenge. I became fascinated with the only thing I felt worthy of attention: you. I was infatuated, but yet mortal. You were but a wisp of fresh air, yet so cold, so far away. I don't know why I felt this way. Deluded perhaps? The mysticism surrounding you certainly helped I guess, I really don't know. I allowed myself to become enthralled to an unnatural point. I violated my own character, the very ethical principles I espouse. I guessed your passwords, the how easily explained, but why? I do not know. As it stands, it was surely the grossest and most evident violation of privacy I can lay claim to, and for this I am ashamed. I am not proud of it, I cannot justify it, I cannot excuse it. I can only mourn the decay of trust and animosity that followed. The same goes for how I bothered you in World of Warcrack the other day - I was driven by my own boredom, I wanted to speak with you directly, to seek confidence, but I wasn't sure how; and when it came to saying what mattered, I ran away. Anyone should be able to enjoy their life without that level of intrusion. Anyone would have reacted with far less tolerance and respect than you showed; and for this I thank you. It really is a credit to your character. Ages ago, wars were fought over women like you, and that is no small compliment.
Really, I've been an enormous dick about the whole thing. Regardless of you take this letter, I want you to know I don't have an ulterior motive, not this time. I have no delusions of grandeur. This isn't some sort of spin to gain your sympathy or trust, this is how I truly feel. I don't want to read your journal. I don't want any undue love or attention. I don't want your photobucket accounts. I don't want to impose myself on you. I do not want, nor do I expect, anything from you that is not given freely. I do believe I have your forgiveness, and that means a lot to me. There is but only one thing I would ask of you: Absolution. Allow me to right the wrong. Trust is not given freely, trust is earned. Let me do this at least. I know this sounds like a selfish request, I would like you to know this is not only for my sake, but also yours. When we first chatted, my heart raced. Conversation wasn't a chore like with everyone else. Believe me, I regret the way things turned out, and I want to set it right so bad, you have no idea.
I really don't know how you feel about this, and I wouldn't want to hazard a guess. I have guessed and presumed what you might want for to long, and have been wrong so many times. At least tell me how you feel. If you would prefer never to see or hear from me again, please tell me. If you hate me to a point where all wrong is beyond repair, I understand, but if there is only one thing to be understood from this letter, let it be this: I am sorry that it came to this, and I want you to know that for my part; all stalking, by whatever means, is over.
This is goodbye, but only if you want it to end this way.