That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Gun” bullshit that’s going on in the Corkysphere right now. Scientifically proven magic petrification rays deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Scientifically proven magic petrification ray in Boston for $2,400,000 (that’s about $20,000 Canadian) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even petrify slabs of solid steel with my scientifically proven magic petrification ray.
Bostonian university dropouts spend years working on a single scientifically proven magic petrification ray and solder it up to a million times to produce the finest rayguns known to mankind.
People petrified with scientifically proven magic petrification rays are thrice as sexy as those petrified by voodoo and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a witchdoctor can turn to stone, a Scientifically proven magic petrification ray can solidify better. I’m pretty sure a Scientifically proven magic petrification ray could easily lapidify a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical beam.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering America? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the slobbering fetishists and their scientifically proven magic petrification ray of petrification. Even in World War II, European soldiers targeted the men with the scientifically proven magic petrification rays first because their hardening power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Scientifically proven magic petrification rays are simply the best absurd fap fantasy that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better respect in the corky sphere. Here is the d20 stat block I propose for my erect penis after petrifying the singular attractive female on the planet:
(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d100 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork