Actually, Alice is not half the whore you'd like her to be. And you know that. Also, just because she enjoys a beer now and then doesn't make her an alcoholic. I'm willing to bet that you're much closer to being an alcoholic than her.
One of the things I like most about her is that she can make me laugh, which is a quality very rare with girls.
If you can't cope with Alice's sarcasm, a degree in psychology probably won't help you. But you could always hang out with that "cracky" chick wearing the furry ears. She looks harmless enough for you and probably won't hurt your fragile ego. You two would also be a better match age-wise, since you seem somewhat underequipped in the brain-area for dealing with those nasty over 20 year olds.
As for Merc's age and looks, well, she ain't 50 yet and I can't really see much differences between her old pictures and the recent ones. She's a beauty and every straight guy would agree with that.
Anyway, good look with that weight loss challenge thing you're doing, Ensign.