I really don't know at all how I feel about this girl these days.

Looking at this picture, I don't see anything beautiful; I don't see anything special. I see a lie, someone I don't care about, someone who deserves to be doing her own thing in peace like billions of other people on the planet.

Yet if this is all true, then why am I looking at the picture at all? Why is there a tear in my eye? Why am I feeling so confused?

I know this 3.5-year experiment in collective idol worship & insanity has served no purpose except for the people we've met and the fun we've had; I know there's no other significance of this boring, unattractive girl, but still I feel like I'm not telling the whole truth. I feel like I have two people inside me, one somewhat rational, who I think of as myself, but there's someone else, someone whose mind I can't comprehend, someone less and more than human who rarely speaks except in moments of great weakness. Is this an illusion?

Looking at this picture, I want to say that I feel nothing for this "person". I want to say it. I know it's true, in a way. I think. I don't know. Maybe I just can't get over that I believed a lie and so I try to fill in the gaps with a god who isn't there.

If you ever read this, I want to finally tell you what I truly think about you:
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Have a nice Tuesday, Olivia.

Yeah, that's the ticket.