>>14
That is very well expressed, and in as much as a total stranger can sympathize with you and have any meaning, I am truly sorry to read your predicament.
Now then, let's try and break through the hopelessness and try to find something you can actually do, physically, that may help alleviate some of it. I appreciate you may not feel inclined to humour me, but look at it another way, what do you have to lose? I'm not going to ask you to go into personal details you might feel uncomfortable about typing, we really just need to get a feel for what is "in the way" as it were.
So, let's pretend you have magical powers and can change things about yourself right now by clicking your fingers, what, specifically, would you choose to change first of all?