It's far from fine. Nothing that causes you to be upset is fine. I'm not fine. What does "fine" even mean? Satisfactory? Average? Okay? Or just good in comparison to how it was?
Not once, and I mean not once have I seriously considered leaving you. I can't even think of it without feeling like shit. On the bus, when I got the impression that you were thinking such things - it was a strong impression - I was lost beyond hope. I didn't say a word to you because any speech I began to attempt was flattened by the shakiness in my throat, and I know I would have cried from the first sentence.
The trouble with trying to explain these things is that you have your own ideas so deeply imbedded in your mind that I know fully well you don't believe me at all. About what?
Well, I don't doubt that you believe me about the leaving school thing. You should know that I almost certainly would have this year if I was still alone. I had no reason not to. No reason to bother. No reason to leave the house. No reason to look to the future. No reason to be alive. Indeed even if I had stayed I probably would have left even sometime throughout this year, if there was no you. You are the only thing that keeps me going. Motivated. The only thing.
Moving out - I didn't give a shit about that beforehand. I was scared of it! Now it's an ambition, because the thought of waking up next to you every morning is incredible. The thought of being around you all day. The thought of having you there when I get home. How can I describe those thoughts? Mindblowing? Heavenly? Overwhelming?
If you asked me to, I would drop everything. If it came to it and you really did leave at the end of 5th, you should know as well as I do that I would have too. If you want me to leave now, I will. If you want me to stay to 6th, I will. No real objections. No serious questions. You tell me, and I will.
I'm not doing this very well because I can't truly articulate my feelings towards you. You have enriched my life so much more than you can imagine. You have entered abruptly and challenged everything I thought I knew about how I was going to live. I always had in mind that I'd live and die alone. Now what I'm certain of is that I'll die alone if you leave me. No one... no one could ever replace or improve upon what you've given to me in the past year. I have so much to thank you for. So, so much. For giving me... confidence, purpose, reason to live, happiness, meaning... someone simply to talk to, to admire and appreciate(!). Just... everything. You are all that makes me happy. Everything else just simply occupies my time... I could live without it. All of it. Music, the internet, the vidja, literature... all my passions... I could throw them away, abandon them in an instant for you.
You weren't annoying me. I was annoying myself. Yes, I'm a fucking idiot for the moodiness. Why do I do it? If I knew that I'd stop it. It just happens. I get an idea - a tiny, little idea because it's always about tiny, little things - and it just won't leave my head, won't stop irritating me. I loathe it. And I will stop it eventually. I know I will, before you get so sick of it you stop it for me by saying goodbye... and whether that's exaggerating or not, I know that you have been getting sick of it recently. Very sick of it. Oh, I don't know... I really don't... you're the last person I should be moody with. Ever. The thing is, you shouldn't have to put up with it. And I am very worried you'll soon realise that.
Coveted seraph - Laura - you are everything to me. Take that in earnest. There has never been one thing in my life more precious than you. My life itself isn't as precious as you. Though my actions recently haven't shown it, and though I don't expect you to believe it, I love you unconditionally... truly unconditionally... I love you with an intensity that I can barely control... and that will never change. I'd love you if you stopped giving a fuck about me. So please. I'm sorry. I am really sorry. For everything I've ever done to even slightly upset you. I detest myself for it and will constantly strive to cease it. Believe me. I wouldn't have kept you from going home today if I didn't care so much about making sure you were okay. As you read this you can be certain I'm still worrying and thinking about you, whilst reflecting on how stupid I am for taking you for granted. I love you and I'm sorry.