>>3691 I spend too much time thinking about the passions of others to really develop my own.
It's difficult when you're so committed to loving everything to get really into some autistic monomania.
I have a lot of micro-obsessions and things that haunt me, but not enough for me to cynically re-model them into some sort of outward looking self-promotional 'career'.
There's a huge huge disconnect between what I do all day and what really gets me going. I'm really good at what I do but I feel pretty disconnected from it most of the time. I dunno whether that's a feature of the alienating affects of late capitalism or I'm just not very good at being a person.
When I feel bad about it I do try and re-read Walt Whitman's Song of Myself. It's not a perfect fit but "I contain multitudes" dude.
I'd be unable to read anything or get into anything new for fear of losing it.
I'd quit work I guess, and throw myself on the mercy of family. I'd probably become a pitiful person, dying with a smile and friendly gestures towards everyone while inwardly hating absolutely everything.
>>3699 omi .. you mean you would become a serialist rapist? >>3697 i would do a lot of drugs and maybe try traveling the world and then notice that i don't like traveling i think it would make me happy in a way, a certain dead is comforting, in that i no more have to worry about a shitload of stuff
Anonymous
>>3700 I would definitely do a lot of acid, at least. Probably some other things.
>>3702 earlier on. I guess i let some of my ideas and plans i hold very dear define me, and simply telling everything would feel like laying on a surgery table. somewhat too personal and intimate.
Anonymous
>>3701 And I would spend a lot of time not sleeping I think.
Hopefully near the end I'd be so doped up on sleep-deprivation, trace hallucinogens and familial good will that I'd go out with some grace.
Anonymous
>>3704 And I wish I could say that I would do something truly terroristic or anything that would leave a mark on the world, but I know I'd be too cowardlyy, even in the face of destruction.
>>3706 Of the few deaths I've seen I feel that death is capable of reducing people to a childlike state, gradually breaking down their sense of agency and self-direction as they run down the clock.
Anonymous
>>3705 I don't think i would do such thing, 'leaving a mark' is childish and i don't want to hurt people
Anonymous
>>3705 Son't be so sure of this, I suppose imminent death might provoke significant changes in your psyche, and that's without counting the drugs. From the litterature i've read, the tendency tends to be opposite of cowardly for people who have heard their sentence.
Anonymous
>>3707 I think we're quite well made to die peacefully. Whatever natural processes accompany the beginning of a natural death, and the quiet secrets of hospice nurses seem to do the job.
I haven't lived enough deaths to see any counter-examples. I'm sure they're there, the raging ones.
Anonymous
>>3689 sorry I just installed far cry 4 and it's pretty fun, turn of the minimap and mission markers though.
Anonymous
>>3708 I think prion diseases must be the most interesting to see go down. Imminent death within a week and a reasonable period of full consciousness.
>>3712 Eventually... sorta. I don't know enough. Has anybody written a book on it? That has to be one of the final taboos to break, from inside the hospices.
Anonymous
>>3708 The raging ones, exactly. I think this behaviour is fascinating and humbling at the same time.
Anonymous
>>3710 don't you go insane of those? 'mad' cow disease
Anonymous
or maybe when you get rabies and they're too late to vaccinate, then you also have some time to ponder about your imminent death with a sound mind
Anonymous
>>3713 I'm sure "ponder" isn't right though. Hearing the words must be a really visceral experience, you wouldn't be thinking straight with or without the drugs, but the frenetic thoughts would surely be very interesting if there were any way of a third person telling them.
Anonymous
This reminds me of stories where people kill themselves , where they first were living very stressed out lives and not happy, when they finally made the decision to kill themselves in x days they suddenly became calm and seemingly happier
Anonymous
>>3715 This reminds me of when I tried to kill myself. Thanks god for my hippie friend who gave me Ibogaine extract. Catharsis is an often spoken word here, isnt it? >>3717 It was last in an impressive series of failures.
>>3716 We talk about Catharsis, but I think it's misused a lot. I can imagine the weight of a failed suicide to be 'cathartic' but is there a sort of oscillation between the despairing and the other side? I feel like all the parts of my life that I self-mythologise have that feature of echoing back and forth between the two states, and I associate that heavily with cracky-madness.
Anonymous
>>3716 how old were you back then? I've always told myself to hold out until at least 30, to make sure i got the right impression and had given myself enough chances. So far so good and i don't think it'll be necessary any more.
Anonymous
>>3718 maybe it wasn't the failed suicide that was cathartic but the effects of the ibogaine?
Anonymous
>>3720 that would make it literally cathartic then I guess, the little pain to dispel the big
but how do you feel about it now? as memory?
Anonymous
>>3719 I was just a misguided teen, 17 or 18? Note that this wasn't a weel justified
Anonymous
>>3722 well justified desire like people get when the world seems to be against them. just hormonal craze or whatever chemical makes people irrational and unstable. >>3720 exactly. >>3721 the suicide attempt? i only feel kind of shameful for holding so little control over myself back then. the ibogaine however is the most magistral and powerful thing i have ever felt. i can't recomment it enough for anybody who has emotional problems or unresolved traumas.
Anonymous
>>3722 >>3723 I like to hope it's all hormonal craze, ritual suicides interest me a lot but they're so bound up with ultra-masculine sado-masochistic nonsense.
Anonymous
i wish i had some ibogaine, seems like a fun drug to try not -- but last lsd experience left me a bit cautious
Anonymous
>>3724 But I've always felt myself just totally incapable of suicide. I know that I've had times when I was completely not myself, and I suspect at those times I could have done anything at all I suppose.
>>3726 It sounds like something I'd like to try. I loved the acid experience, definitelyy had a strong influence on me.
Anonymous
>>3723 how about crippling anxiety and an unshakeable feeling that the majority of the luxuries of life in this present time just aren't made for you? I wanna find something for that.
>>3728 Acid, various hypnotics, pot, some standard anti-anxiety / anti-depressants.
Anonymous
>>3729 I like most of those very much, but they don't do much good for the bigger picture. I'm still restless.
Anonymous
>>3727 Well are your feelings sound and rational? it seems like anxiety would be natural response to an environment where you could mess everything up and any minute. as for the luxuries of life, would you please elaborate? do you mean physical pleasures? reachable achievements? any positive sensation at large
Anonymous
>>3731 I absolutely over-rationalise. I'm not making a thinly veiled sex metaphor, nor am I interested in achievements in terms of career or whatever. I guess mostly the normalised adult experience and also any creative satisfaction. Obviously it's very easy to rationalise those away as things that have never really existed in the world, and I can't prevent myself from running always towards mysteries and phantoms of the past instead of anything that would bring me into that other sort of position.
Anonymous
tried meditation?
Anonymous
>>3733 I need to get back on track with it. For a while I was meditating once a week with a group and that was very pleasant.
>>3735 not very seduced by the normalised adult experience either, that's what i meant ely you bloddy bastard >>3738 that, or my isp, there's always a culprit
>>3737 I'm 'interested' in the normalised adult experience but frankly I feel like a fucking anthropologist when I do consider it. One step away from delusions of grandeur but not as exciting.
Anonymous
>>3736 I don't know brazil, i know belgium though, and it would probably do you good to take a break from that one
Anonymous
>>3737 why does she have a dried up shit in her hair
>>3740 i can arrive by thalys so no need to stay in belgium too long
Anonymous
fuck i'm hungry again. Feels like i've been doing nothing but eating today. What have you girls eaten today?
Anonymous
>>3744 I had a wander which ended in a burrito. Other than that I had coffee earlier and now I'm drinking black tea.
Anonymous
>>3739 case closed then, anon will be an anthropologist to resolve his qualms and existential stresses! studying humans and lots of fun
Anonymous
>>3745 I'm still hungry but there's not a lot in the cupboard that I haven't already eaten this week and I cba to go out.
>>3748 Oh hey, it was a pretty big burrito, I had all the toppings they offered... but I should probably eat again. I'm on GMT, and I'm a little underweight but I usually have a good relationship with food during the week and then not so much at the weekend IDK.
Anonymous
>>3745 that's like nothing, twice? Do you look like a jew in a concentration park? Or is it only 1pm yet where you live
what do you guys put in your freezer? I only recently aquired one but not much to put inside
Anonymous
>>3754 curly fries and unrecognisable chicken shapes and meat that other people suddenly realised was almost out of date also peas
Anonymous
>>3754 but you should consider changing your life and having an ice cream hoard for those dark times, you'll feel like a rich man with a wine cellar for ice cream
Anonymous
>>3697 I would tell a lot of people to fuck themselves, start a lot of brawls and probably travel by foot across
Anonymous
>>3756 if i eat a lot of sugar it'll affect my mood and when i stop eating it i get headache for a few days
Anonymous
>>3757 Cool formatting. I would probably just do a lot of shit I can already do but won't.
Anonymous
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
This thread is the long awaited crackyverse party. rejoice!
Anonymous
>>3760 That's a difficult question. I don't have any single object that is completely irreplaceable I suppose. There are a lot of small objects that have a significant past but I have a hard job not just believing I'd grab an external HD that I haven't backed up or one of those bottles of really good beer I've been saving.
Anonymous
>>3760 I wish I had any sort of object i cared about, like a present given my someone that would have significance.
Anonymous
>>3760 probably my musical instrument, it's the only thing i own that's hand made and worth something. My pc data should be all backup up, or better, either easily found online or worthless
Anonymous
I'm >>3763 and I've just remembered, thanks to >>3764 that I would absolutely have to take along my piece of knitted toast with the smiley face on it. It wasn't given to me by anybody I loved, just a good friend, but it's related to a lot of the memories I had from the time I hung out with them. I'd be very happy with that choice.
Anonymous
If you were able to become the best in the world at something, what would it be and why?
>>3767 i would be the one with the best charisma. Is there any other stat that's more important than CHAR? i don't think so. In the real world, you can accomplish almost anything with the right words. It would also solve my crushing loneliness problem
Anonymous
>>3770 But charisma is "compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others".
What if you came across as really charming and inspired devotion in everyone you met but inside you were really sad?
Anonymous
>>3771 why would you be sad if everyone loves you? And if you still are, turn your charisma inward and charm yourself.
Anonymous
>>3772 Everyone loves me and I'm sad all the time.
Anonymous
>>3773 well it wouldn't get better if they stopped loving you maybe you need something else then
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Anonymous
>>3781 1. I don't remember actually, it's been a while. I cried at a gig maybe 6 months ago, but they were tears of defiant joy I guess? 2. A month ago,
Anonymous
>>3782 i think the 'in front of another person' doesn't mean "when there were other people nearby", but more like this other person was really looking at you
Anonymous
>>3783 well in that specific case I cried with the people I was with who were in tears too, but I accept it's not a good answer to the question. The last time I cried in front of a person would have been a few years ago I guess, but I'm not sure which occasion it would have been.
Anonymous
Good
Anonymous
Only love can hurt like this.
Anonymous
FUCK
Anonymous
>>3786 >>3787 It'll normalise soon, you'll be back in that position where you realise the deep spiritual meaning of love but it has lost it's power to make you violently upset or angry.
Chill out and get yourself into that state of loving the memories of love more than the object you can't have any more.
Anonymous
>>3788 I used to love to love but in hindsight what's there to like about milligrams of dopamine, oxytocin , assorted nasties that make you feel terrible
Anonymous
>>3789 come on that's too easy, you can list the ingredients but that's not how it feels to eat a cake
